Are you sure about that, Dad? How would you know? Are you making observations based on my current mannerisms? Because it's not like I'm jumping around like a crazy person. Just sayin'. Although I am happy to be here. And you're here, too, fellas, if you started reading this far. And don't you dare stop because you know too much already!
I'm not sure what any of that meant, actually.
Well, Dad, do you know what meiosis means?
I prefer mitosis, actually.
How do you remember stuff from 7th grade science? My point there was to say that you can't know what everything means, because no one knows what everything means. Though, unfortunately, because I haven't done extensive research on the matter, it seems that you break that trend and know every stinkin' little thing!
Well, I did pretty well in 7th grade science. Mr. Skahen was a good teacher, even if he was a little out there. I think he was sniffing the Bunsen burners too much.
And our science teacher, Mr. Miller, just burns popcorn in the microwave. That's probably safer.
It's the march of science, Maria.
Well, Dad, I've gone through quite a few years of science, so I don't think you can blind me with science. But maybe we can blind the audience with some oldies.
We'll spare them the Thomas Dolby, though.
That's probably a good life choice. Let's do songs that were #1 on New Year's Day! Have you picked out a few for my critique?
Oh yeah. First, let's begin with 1965, featuring four lads from Liverpool:
It's the Beatles, with "I Feel Fine."
What are Ringo and George doing? Ringo is supposed to be playing the drums, man! What is that all about? And did George put that boxing speed bag in front of his face so that people couldn't tell how bad he was lip syncing?
It wasn't exactly Lifetime Fitness.
More like Lifetime Clueless, Dad! It's the Beatles, so you know it's going to be a good song and that they won't be dressed too bad, unless they're in India or something. Hopefully Ringo worked up some cardio so he can carry his drum kit to the next gig. Speaking of the next gig, what's next, Dad?
So we go up two years to 1967, from the Fab Four to the Prefab Four:
It's the Monkees, with Peter Tork not quite getting the romance part right, in "I'm a Believer." And in case you care, the actress playing the love interest is Lisa James.
I'm sorry, but I don't get the coat over the puddle thing. It's gonna ruin someone's coat and then you have to pick up the coat and put it in your car and it will be soaking wet and nasty and yucky! C'mon Peter Tork, just walk around the puddle! There are kids in [insert Third World Country here] who could have used that coat! It's wasteful, I tell you! A disgrace! Oh, yeah, the song. Sure, the song is okay -- it has a nice beat, even if Peter Tork doesn't seem to be getting the beat of love. Not that I know what that is yet.
Well, you can wait for that.
Oh yes. I can wait years. At least until I'm out of middle school and probably the majority of high school, too. Not that I'm trying to offend the middle school boys I know, even if they are highly dorky.
It's an occupational hazard of the 7th grade, Maria.
True. What's next?
How about 1968? Mom likes this one:
It's Marvin Gaye, with the eternal classic "I Heard It Through the Grapevine."
Mom's favorite non-Luther Vandross song, right? It's a great one -- I've always liked it, because it's nice and simple. Psy and Carly Rae Jepsen should really hold a seance and speak with the ghost of Marvin Gaye. He could tell them a thing or two about good songs!
I don't think Marvin Gaye would have used AutoTune.
That's because he had talent, Dad! Cue the background "ooooh, sick burn!" What have we next?
Let's move it up to 1976. This was the song that was #1 when Uncle Mike made his debut:
Straight out of Scotland, it's the Bay City Rollers with "Saturday Night."
From Scotland? Well, on the bright side they weren't wearing kilts! That would have been very brave. And at least they didn't have to get down on Saturday like Rebecca Black did on Friday. Well, I guess I like the song okay. They've got their nice little cheer going in the beginning and the middle. Were they supposed to be like the Monkees or something?
They did get on television a lot. I think they actually debuted on a variety show with Howard Cosell.
Seriously? Howard Cosell? Somehow I can't see Howard Cosell dancing around on Saturday Night!
Well, it might have knocked off his toupee.
I definitely wouldn't want to have seen that! What's next?
How about something that seemed very sad at the time. The year? 1981:
The song is "(Just Like) Starting Over," by John Lennon and Yoko Ono. Unfortunately, this was posthumous on New Year's Day 1981.
And I still find that very sad today. I kinda wonder if John Lennon had a feeling that something was going to happen to him, or if it was completely out of the blue for him?
None of us saw it coming, Maria. I was a senior in high school at the time and it was a huge shock.
Now remember, I DO NOT LIKE JUSTIN BIEBER WHATSOEVER, but would it be like if some pop star like Bieber died?
No, because no one's going to remember Justin Bieber in 30 years. People still remember John Lennon very well.
Well, that makes it more depressing because that means none of our pop stars are worth remembering! Is our generation cursed? Well, in all honesty I'm not sure I'll want to remember Justin Bieber in 30 years either, but there has to be someone we'll remember.
You never know. There might be some musical genius out there. Maybe that Bruno Mars dude, or Adele. Bruno wears nice hats.
That's the first thing you noticed, of course. But it is a pretty cool hat. Cop gotta hat? Bruno want a hat!
Nice WKRP in Cincinnati reference, Maria!
My pleasure. Now do we have one more?
Sure. Let's go to 1984 and a former associate of Mr. Lennon, with some help:
It's Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson, with "Say Say Say."
Scam artists? Paul, Michael -- how could betray us with a life of crime! You're musicians, for goodness sakes! And successful ones too! And Paul even got his wife Linda involved in the scam! Someone tell Jesse Ventura -- it's a conspiracy!
I think it's a work of fiction, Maria.
Hey, I'm perfectly aware of that, Dad! Come on, you need to get with the program here! I can't be the one providing all the entertainment value in this post! Step up your game!
Now don't get all huffy and hurt-acting, Dad! No one's gonna believe it, anyway.
Good point. So what's next?
Get voting, peeps! And have a Happy New Year!