Are you fleeing the State Patrol again?
Of course not. I live a life of great dignity and honor. And HYYYYYPPPPPE! Which, I recently checked, is not in violation of any laws of the State of Minnesota.
Okay. Good to know.
C'mon, Geritol Fan! You know why we're going there -- and if you behave yourself, we might even let you bring back the good Metamucil?
Is that the Spotted Cow Metamucil?
Good lord. What is wrong with you? Never mind, we don't have time to complete that extensive list. We've got tasks ahead. Watch me work!
Minnesota Vikings (+6.5) vs. Glorious Green Bay Packers. Normally, I would say this game is going to be pretty smooth sailing. We have learned that Adrian Peterson will not go, and it's still an open question whether Harrison Smith will go for the Purple. For the Vikings, this is their Super Bowl. They aren't mathematically eliminated yet, but it will take about fifteen different things to happen, including a Canadian goose taking a dump on Ed Hochuli's shoes. Now, personally, I'd sure like to see that happen, but Ed Hochuli is an attorney and he'd probably file a long-winded lawsuit. The Packers had a narrow escape last week against da Bearz, but I imagine the Packers are going to win a fairly close game this time, but probably without similar drama. Packers 28, Vikings 17.
You've been reading my picks in advance, right? Or have you been talking to the custodian at my office, who always talks about the Packers with me when he's making his morning rounds? The Vikings will not be as listless as they were last week against the Colts, but I don't think they have enough offensive firepower to overcome the Packers this week. That offensive line is still sieve-like and the Packers have enough pass rushers to get home. And I also think Ty Montgomery will have another big day. Packers 27, Vikings 17.
Detroit LOLions (+7.5) vs. Dallas How 'Bout Them Cowboahs. I do not have much love for the Cowboys. They are, well...
However, because of freaking lucky the Lions have been this season, they inexplicably, despicably remain ahead of the Packers. Thus, it makes sense from a strategic perspective to root for the Cowboys this week. I will be doing so, but wearing a Hazmat suit, and feeling a strong need to take a shower after the game. My message to the Cowboys is simple -- don't screw this up. Cowboys 38, LOLions 10.
Will the Cowboys play to win, or are they going to trot out Tony Romo or Butt Fumble Sanchez instead? Will they turn Zeke Elliott loose, or will he remain in the Salvation Army kettle for the duration? That's the question. I think the Cowboys will keep their foot on the gas. I also think Matt Stafford will continue to struggle with his broken finger. He's been really good this season, but it's hard to grip a football properly with a broken finger, especially when Demarcus Lawrence is in your breakfast nook. Cowboys 28, Lions 20.
Washington Gridlocks (-3) vs. Bear Down Chicago da Bearz. Da Bearz gave it their best shot last week against the Packers, but it wasn't good enough. Now they get a Redskin team that is still alive for the playoffs, but needs help. What I'm worried about for da Bearz is whether they have anything left in the tank following last week's tough loss. The Redskins are hard to figure out, but I think they should be able to pick up a win. Gridlocks 85, da Bearz 2.
All of America needs to say this:
85 to 2? Seriously? I don't know what will happen in this one, to be honest. I'm less than convinced the Redskins are going to have much juice themselves, after a tough and utterly inexplicable loss to the otherwise moribund Carolina Panthers. Alshon Jeffrey is playing for a contract. That's what you need to know. Bears 31, Redskins 21.
We have to wrap this up, because we are headed to Wisconsin tomorrow, and we need to get back to watching the scintillating Dollar General Bowl, featuring Troy and Ohio University. The real state university of Ohio. MACtion, baby! Ben out!