So, I hear it's your birthday, old fella! How old are you again? The over/under is 104.
Take the under, Seabiscuit. I'm only 47.
Whatever! Happy birthday, Dad! I may give you grief because you're old, and you are really quite old, by the way. But I still love you -- not that it's going to stop me from kicking your butt yet again this week.
Well, of course it isn't. What games have you selected for us, Grasshopper?
Here they come. Watch me work:
Oregon Quack Quack Attack (-16 1/2) vs. Oregon State Buck Toothed Varmints. Who's gonna stop the Duck? I know how you do it, so listen up, Beavers -- you play ball control. The Oregon offense can't score if they never see the field. Turn those running backs loose and keep pounding the rock. Also, this Oregon team isn't as good as the team from last year and you remember what happened last year -- when Oregon faced a team with quality personnel (that would be The Ohio State University), they fell short. Buck Toothed Varmints 35, Quack Quack Attack 7.
Don't get me wrong -- I think the Beavers have a chance on their home field. But I think the young fella is picking that one with his heart, because he wants TCU to get to the National Championship Game. I don't see it. The Ducks score a lot of points and are actually quite a bit more ruthless than a certain Cardinal-clad midwestern team that I'm fond of. And with the National Championship Game in their sights, they won't fall short. Oregon 42, Oregon State 21.
Oklahoma Boomer Sooner (-5) vs. Nebraska Future Big Ten Representatives, in lovely Arlington, Texas. It's the last chance for Nebraska to give a parting shot to their soon-to-be former rivals. The Cornhuskers are headed for the Big Ten next year and will be in the same division as the Gophers, who are looking forward to facing yet another team that will kick their butts. Look for Nebraska to go out on top. Johnny Rodgers 70, Jack Mildren 63.
Wow, that's old school even for me! Nice 1970s name check, young fella! I think Nebraska will enjoy the Big Ten, but they'll miss this rivalry in particular, which has been a classic over the years. I suspect that Oklahoma will win this one, but it's gonna be close. Oklahoma 35, Nebraska 31.
Au-Barn WAAAR-Eagle! (-5) vs. South Carolina Gamecocks, in Atlanta, GA. So, I wonder if I can get a loan from Cam Newton? He must have a tough time running down the field with all those $100 bills stuffed down his pants. I'm a nice young man and am perfectly willing to lighten his load a bit. Benster will take good care of your Benjamins, Cam! Really, trust me! I'm going to have to play devil's advocate again -- remember, once upon a time, Florida lost to the Seminoles in the regular season, but beat them when it mattered later on. I'm gonna call it! Gamecocks 17, WAAAR-Eagle 13.
I actually agree with you. The Auburn situation has been a bit of a circus this week and they have a lot of pressure. I've seen the Gamecocks play a few times this season and they are pretty good. I suspect the Ol' Ball Coach has a trick or two ready this time for Newton and the rest of the Auburn squad. I also like this because it would put TCU in the Championship Game and Stanford in the Rose Bowl where they belong. Gamecocks 34, Auburn 24.
Buffalo Wings (+6) vs. Minnesota Down Goes Fraziers. Do I even need to analyze this? Joe Frazier 100, B-Dubs 0.
Apparently you didn't need to analyze this. So I will -- the paying customers of this free blog demand analysis. Buffalo is playing very well, although their receiver Stevie Johnson had an existential crisis over the weekend after he dropped a sure touchdown pass last week. I don't think that God is a Steelers fan, but the Bills have been pretty God-forsaken or something this season. Vince Lombardi got his theology from the Jesuits and they said "Run to Win." So you should pick the team with Adrian Peterson (even an injured Adrian Peterson) in that context. Vikings 24, Bills 17.
San Francisco 49ers (+9 1/2) vs. Glorious Green Bay Packers. It's Decrepit's birthday today, and it's also the birthday of Aaron Rodgers, who is 20 years younger than the old fella. In other words, Rodgers is in his prime right now. And also the 49ers never beat the Packers. It's not gonna start on Sunday, especially considering that the Packers are going to come out swinging the Hammer of the Gods. Pack 27, Niners 20.
Here's the thing I don't get -- the Wisconsin Badgers have 3 top running backs and the Packers have none. Isn't there any way they could sneak Montee Ball into the stadium under an assumed name or something? They could call him Montee Blood McNally or something. The Packers won't need him this week, but later on. . . . Packers 31, San Fran 17.
Bear Down Chicago da Bearz (-3 1/2) vs. Motor City Kitties. Gino has been whining incessantly that we aren't paying sufficient attention to his Bears, so here we go. The Bears are currently leading the division, behind the quality quarterback play of Jack Concannon, er, I mean Bob Avellini, er, scratch that, Mike Tomczak, no, that's not right, Peter Tom Willis. Yeah, that's it. The last time these teams met, Calvin Johnson somehow didn't catch the ball that he actually caught. It's really quite confusing. Like how the Lions have a chance to get roasted on Thanksgiving every. single. year. Rex Grossman 7, Eric Hipple 6.
Okay, my pick is likely wishful thinking, but while we have great respect and admiration for our pal Gino, screw the Bears. I keed, I keed. Are the Bears the better team? Yeah. Will they win on Sunday? Not necessarily. Lions 24, Bears 20.
We're a little early this week because I'm dragging the old man camping this weekend. Out in the cold, even! Ben out!